"That's what that damned kid gets for playing with every stray mongrel that wanders into the castle," Lord Herlewin Shufflebottom roared. He was always roaring, alarming the staff, including Hilda, the fifth floor chambermaid. "It's your fault, woman, for dropping such an oaf from that dingy worn-out cavern between your feet," he roared at his wife.
"How would you know? You haven't visited in years. Even then, you barely cleared the entrance," Gundred Shufflebottom rebutted. "You're the one that feeds those dogs during meals in the Great Hall.
"When I try to drop a bone, they jump up and grab it from my hand, darned near costing me a finger. The only reason they don't jump onto the table is that they know darned well you'd skewer them with your eating knife.
"In your normal eating frenzy, nothing is safe, including table-mates. For Christ's sake, Lancelot even wears his codpiece to the table."
After he huffed, puffed, blustered, and left the room, she turned to her son. Ailwin Shufflebottom had been bitten by a small dog. It was new to the castle and not yet used to canine etiquette at a meal, namely "don't bite the hand that feeds you."
At the castle, it was a common practice to drop old bones and unfinished trays on the floor. It not only fed the creatures, but provided entertainment as dogs and cats fought over the leftovers and guests slipped on the slop when trying to leave.
"Now, Ailwin, honey, I want you to find a nice healthy dog to pee on this hand until it gets better. It was a dog that bit it, so a dog has to cure it. Is that little doggie that bit you still around, dear?"
"No, Mama. It lost a fight over a rolling cherry during the meal, and was eaten by the winner. The last I saw of it was the cherry balanced on its snout as it was swallowed."
Being of noble birth, young Ailwin wore jewelry. Among the pieces was an expensive watch with an expansion band. (Hey! It's MY fantasy story. I can give him a watch if I feel like it.)
One morning, Hilda the chambermaid rolled over in bed and found a small dog sleeping with her. Since it wasn't her normal habit to sleep with dogs, though not completely unknown, she started to shove it from her bed. Obviously, she'd gotten mixed up while drinking the night before.
That was when she noticed the watch on its front leg, recognizing it as Aliwin's. Even as she
watched in horror, the shape got fuzzy and changed in the sunlight streaming through her chamber window and across her chamberpot, ending up as that of the
young lord.
"Master Ailwin," she cried, "you lost your tail."
It didn't take long for the story to be bandied around the castle. Lord Shufflebottom couldn't let his reputation be ruined by rumors that he'd sired a dog, or even a partial dog. Lady Shufflebottom was also embarrassed.
"People will say I fornicated with a doggie and gave birth to a beast," she said. We'll be ruined. The King will take away our titles. We must do something."
What they did was kill poor Hilda and banish Ailwin to a mansion left vacant since his Aunt Lucy died. They'd been planning to renovate the place for many years, but had never gotten around to it. For one thing, the grounds were infested with wild wolves, which wouldn't have been a good selling point, in any event.
To make matters worse, the mansion was of old-style Jewish design, built by a lost tribe that once passed through, pursued by Egyptians. The land, at that ancient time, had been zoned as commercial and the mansion itself built over and from a stone quarry where copies of the fifteen commandments of that Jewish God were carved. When their pursuers had gotten close, they'd absconded so fast they left five commandments and some kind of ark behind.
The building was a massive affair, with thick stone walls designed to withstand the effect of "David Slings," such as beaned Goliath. However, the stone was old and rotten, patched in many places by pre-microwave plastic which melted at the first application of a lit cigarette. When hit by boiling rain -- admittedly a rare event -- it might dissolve into a puddle.
It was an idyllic setting in an isolated valley with tall mountains in the distance, tops covered with snow in the winter. In the summer, melting water would flood vast areas of woodland below, bringing curses from corn farmers and cheers to those raising rice. The valley was famous for its marijuana production, since it had incorporated as a sovereign country run by the growers.
Though still imposing, the building wasn't safe or sane. When angry, its windows would sometimes slam open and closed, the heavily barred portico at its entrance snapping like gigantic teeth. The anticipation of being diced at any time did keep the wolves out.
Those wolves moved in to prowl around the building at night, too afraid to enter. There was also an outer wall, built by a consortium of nearby residents to keep the animals in. Frustrated trapped and hungry, the wolves subsisted on vegetation and each other. In consequence, they were lean and mangy creatures, constantly longing for the wildlife, pizzas, and peasants they'd previously enjoyed before the wall was built.
That was the environment when poor Ailwin was banished to the mansion. Although given a cellphone for emergencies (MY story, again) its use was limited to 30 minutes a month during daylight hours and 50 at night.
Since the lad had been bitten during the day, he changed to werewolf mode by moonlight. You would think he'd associate with the wolves, but it was not to be so, since his small stature would make him their prey. Several of the female's in that tribe did take a liking to him.
Ailwin, though, was small and weak in either mode and feared mating with those huge animals. At night, they would sense him and howl. Their boyfriends would do the same, making it doubly dangerous for him to wander around outside.
One advantage of being a werewolf was that he didn't age much, and could look forward to many centuries of such isolation.
At first, Ailwin did have a staff to care for his needs. That, however, ended when the third cook had been eaten by hungry wolves while going outside to the privy. They found it a constant hassle to avoid real wolves in the daytime and Ailwin at night.
Although the animals weren't particular, Ailwin only ate the best-looking female servants. He did it selectively and on only specific organs. Some of them, it was said, even enjoyed the process -- though that point was never confirmed. Within a month, the young lord found himself truly alone, with replacements impossible to find.
Finally, digging out an old issue of a Las Vegas newspaper, featuring "Filipino Women Wanting Western Husbands," Ailwin filled out an online form and sent it, along with money for airplane tickets, to order three of them -- since they were so small and he had the cash.
When they arrived and were escorted past curious wolves to the mansion, Ailwin was sort'a disappointed.
"Sorrrryyy, sar," an older woman of 58 who'd advertised with her photo at 18, when she'd been selling her ass in Manila, told him. "But my'ee fren', Maleah, she all readie marry. She sendie rubber sist'a 'stead. Okay? You like?" She hurriedly pulled a sex doll from the bag and began puffing with her educated lips.
Another girl, named Tala, stood back in a doorway, shyly attempting to melt into the woodwork.
"And you, young lady," the lord asked. "Why are you here?"
"I'm here because conditions are bad in Manila. Communist dragons are blowing smoke on the water, on the land and the sea, and smoke gets in your eyes, you know. Is it all right if I smoke, smoke, smoke this cigarette?" She gave him a large smile. "I love American music from the forties."
As a matter of fact, so did Ailwin. "Come on'a my house one enchanted evening for some careless love, dearly beloved, cause you'd be oh, so, easy to love."
He was enamored by beautiful Tala. The lord went into his kitchen to put two pizzas in the microwave. Coming back in with several open cans of dog food, he turned to the older woman.
"Please do me a favor," he asked, shoving open cans in her pockets. "Would you take this to the gate guard out front?"
As Tala and he watched from the portico, the laden lady walked along a path, carrying a rubber sex doll and canned food. Tala asked, "I didn't see any guard at the gate?"
"I know, dear." There was sudden screaming and howling. "She's a present for the wolves."
The lady was fleet of foot, escaping the animals by dint of throwing cans of food, pizzas, doll, and even clothing at the beasts. Rumors say she ran all the way back to the islands to form an anti-European terrorist group.
As for the doll, it saw many years of service until accidentally bitten by a canine suitor.
For Tala and Ailwin, it was love at first sight. They were very happy in the decrepit mansion for over ten years, until Tala noticed something one morning at breakfast.
"Darling, Ailwin," she asked, "you don't look a day older than when we met. Why is that?"
"My love," he answered. "Haven't you noticed that little dog that hangs around you at night, and that I only make love in the daylight?"
"Of course I have, and hate the way it hangs on to my leg and rubs my calf. It is a darling little creature, though."
Not being certain how she meant that statement, he replied with, "Both darling little
creatures are me. I'm a werewolf by night and a human by day because I was bitten in the late evening after sunset."
She wasn't exactly shocked, since there were tales of partial werewolves in the Philippines. In fact, she had been half-hoping he would bite her in the throes of passion, but been too shy to ask. On his part, Ailwin had been carefully avoiding that act.
"Please dear. I want to join you for eternity." She bared her neck, inviting a bite. In his love for her, Ailwin complied, although he had a sneaking suspicion that it was wrong.
It only took a day or so for the werewolf virus to spread through Tala, changing her, cell by cell. One morning, she found herself changed to a huge -- and I do mean huge -- canine beast with fangs easily six-inches long.
Now, I remember, Ailwin thought. He'd been in too much of a hurry to wait for the sun to set. She had become a beast in the daylight, when he was human, and vice versa.
(To be continued as a novel -- maybe.)
Charlie
