"Thank you, James. How is little Molly?" Janice Ratoski accepted a glass of soda from a human servant.
"Doing fine, Miss Janice," James replied while passing out glasses to the rest of the young rodents.
There were about fifty ratlets and young meeses, sitting around the ancient rodent while eating cheese puffs and listening to him tell stories. Grandpa SocRates was a great storyteller, having fought way back in the Equality Wars. He'd even been a colonel in the Campaign of Chicago, which had broken the back of an entire human army.
"Please tell us again, Grandpa?" Muriel Meescovich asked, ignoring a slap behind the neck from Jeffery Moussie, who had a crush on her. "How we beat those bad humans."
"Awww. Boring. Boring," JeeJee Ratoski said, turning around to slap Jeffery across the muzzle. Turning back, she finished. "We've heard that a thousand times."
"How about I tell the entire story, not only the war, but why, and when things really started?" Grandpa asked.
"Yeah. I like lizards," Timmy MouseAdams called out. "Let's have the lizards."
"Slippery slimey icky lizards," Betty Ratty said, shuddering. "Gloopy like Timmy."
"You kiddies stop it, now," Grandpa said. "I guess we can start with the lizards. Why not?"
"Goody." Timmy pretended to blow his snout, throwing invisible snot at Betty, who ducked, pretending to throw it back at Timmy.
"Missed," Betty said, laughing.
Grandpa slapped his paws together to get their attention. "Way back in the very, very, very old times, rodents didn't look like we do now," he started. "They were little creatures that slid around and burrowed in the mud. They spent their days hiding in holes to keep from being stepped on by the bigger animals. At night, they'd come out and search for bugs and eat dinosaur poop."
"Timmy still does. That's why he likes lizards," Betty whispered loudly. The entire group of kids interrupted Grandpa to laugh at Timmy.
"Stop it. You wanted the story, now listen to it," Grandpa said. "Well, after many thousands of years, the world got colder. The dinosaurs left. We don't know for sure, but think it was in big spaceships to find a warmer planet.
"Anyway, the little rodents took over the world. They were still stupid and weak. But with all the food around, they ate a lot and became big, much bigger than we are. That helped a lot, but many other animals also ate a lot, including each other, and got bigger, too.
"It was a fight for life among all the creatures. Bears and unicorns loved to eat rodents. Since they were bigger and faster than the rodents, our ancestors needed a way to survive.
"They not only became bigger, but diversified into separate species. Among those species was one that looked something like us, a pre-rat or mouse. Others were opossums, groundhogs, and eackygrunts.
"The Mourats, as I call them, reversed their evolution as they found safety in becoming smaller again. Although the larger animals fought constantly, mourats found it more advantageous to hide and prey off the larger creatures.
"They began building underground burrows, coming out at night to eat the remains of dead animals. The discovery and taming of fire let them keep warm in winter, also meaning more complex recipes. Fire also meant killing germs on food, meaning safer eating.
"Somehow, we don't really know how, Mourats split into rats and mice, like us. Our burrows became underground cities. As those became larger and more complex, our two species were forced to develop intelligence. That trait was slowly developed in order to find ways to provide utilities to our new burrow cities.
"We needed ways to pump air deep within the ground, and to get the old air out. We also needed waste disposal and a way to provide water to our residences. Eventually, as our cities became larger, they required more power. We finally harnessed electricity and developed electric lights. Providing those things meant more intelligence. The needs preceded and forced the means. It wasn't developing intelligence that brought civilization, but civilization forcing intelligence.
"A long time later, the lizards built their spaceships and left. We didn't miss them, since we could finally walk in our gardens without dodging dinosaur turds. Unfortunately, the eackygrunts died out. We did miss their beautiful females.
"The eackygrunts were partially replaced by some idiotic hairless apes. We didn't know where they came from, but they were suddenly all over the place."
"Do you mean the humans, like James, our butler?" Janice asked. "They are kinda clumsy, aren't they?"
"No. More like pre-humans. They weren't any dumber, only uneducated. Rodents had to teach them how to live. They'd been used to tree limbs, and crapping anywhere they happened to stand, or lie. We at least taught them not to foul the sheets while making love. That used to be gross, especially since the males would penetrate anything with a hole in it. Except for square holes. Those confused them.
"One story is that a tribe of mice taught local humans to crap in a bucket. Which was fine, until one was caught boiling chicken in the same half-filled bucket.
"He, he. Stupid apes," Muriel Meescovich said, laughing while watching the poor human butler turning red. "I'm sure it wasn't you, James," she told him, "only an ancestor."
"Well, we furnished them fire, and they managed to burn their burrow down. Now, how they did that is still a puzzle.
"Let's get to the war," little Jeffery said. "I like to hear about wars."
"We all promised not to have anymore of those things," Shawna BuRatie said, with conviction. "They ain't no fun if you're in one."
"They're fun to read about, though," Jeffery interjected. "Bang, bang, boom."
"Quiet, kids. Let me finish," Grandpa said, raising a paw for silence. "Well, we finally taught them how to be civilized. But it got to the point where the egotistical brutes thought they could out-think us and didn't need us anymore. They even wrote us out of their history books and treated us like vermin.
"Of course, we didn't need them, so we simply moved our cities away from theirs. Since we don't drink alcohol or take drugs, our bums and lowlifes moved into human cities, which wasn't any big loss.
"That attitude lasted for a couple of thousand years, our two societies existing side-by-side, us living separate lives.
"But, there came a day when we saw they were about to shoot atom bombs at each other, which threatened us. We couldn't have that, so we sent our scientists in to ruin the weapons. With our science, we got into their storage areas and disabled all the bombs.
"When the humans found out, they declared war on us. The audacity.
"Our factories dug up ancient plans on killer rays, building many thousands of the weapons. In three days, we destroyed every human government on earth and took charge. It took years longer to find, capture, or kill all the warmongers. We hated to do it, but had no choice.
"That kids, is why we don't allow humans to carry weapons or hold government positions."
"Time for lunch," Agnes, the human cook called from the doorway. "All you young masters must wash your paws before eating. Don't forget."
Grandpa SocRates smiled. All was right in the world.
By Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.
"Doing fine, Miss Janice," James replied while passing out glasses to the rest of the young rodents.
There were about fifty ratlets and young meeses, sitting around the ancient rodent while eating cheese puffs and listening to him tell stories. Grandpa SocRates was a great storyteller, having fought way back in the Equality Wars. He'd even been a colonel in the Campaign of Chicago, which had broken the back of an entire human army.
"Please tell us again, Grandpa?" Muriel Meescovich asked, ignoring a slap behind the neck from Jeffery Moussie, who had a crush on her. "How we beat those bad humans."
"Awww. Boring. Boring," JeeJee Ratoski said, turning around to slap Jeffery across the muzzle. Turning back, she finished. "We've heard that a thousand times."
"How about I tell the entire story, not only the war, but why, and when things really started?" Grandpa asked.
"Yeah. I like lizards," Timmy MouseAdams called out. "Let's have the lizards."
"Slippery slimey icky lizards," Betty Ratty said, shuddering. "Gloopy like Timmy."
"You kiddies stop it, now," Grandpa said. "I guess we can start with the lizards. Why not?"
"Goody." Timmy pretended to blow his snout, throwing invisible snot at Betty, who ducked, pretending to throw it back at Timmy.
"Missed," Betty said, laughing.
Grandpa slapped his paws together to get their attention. "Way back in the very, very, very old times, rodents didn't look like we do now," he started. "They were little creatures that slid around and burrowed in the mud. They spent their days hiding in holes to keep from being stepped on by the bigger animals. At night, they'd come out and search for bugs and eat dinosaur poop."
"Timmy still does. That's why he likes lizards," Betty whispered loudly. The entire group of kids interrupted Grandpa to laugh at Timmy.
"Stop it. You wanted the story, now listen to it," Grandpa said. "Well, after many thousands of years, the world got colder. The dinosaurs left. We don't know for sure, but think it was in big spaceships to find a warmer planet.
"Anyway, the little rodents took over the world. They were still stupid and weak. But with all the food around, they ate a lot and became big, much bigger than we are. That helped a lot, but many other animals also ate a lot, including each other, and got bigger, too.
"It was a fight for life among all the creatures. Bears and unicorns loved to eat rodents. Since they were bigger and faster than the rodents, our ancestors needed a way to survive.
"They not only became bigger, but diversified into separate species. Among those species was one that looked something like us, a pre-rat or mouse. Others were opossums, groundhogs, and eackygrunts.
"The Mourats, as I call them, reversed their evolution as they found safety in becoming smaller again. Although the larger animals fought constantly, mourats found it more advantageous to hide and prey off the larger creatures.
"They began building underground burrows, coming out at night to eat the remains of dead animals. The discovery and taming of fire let them keep warm in winter, also meaning more complex recipes. Fire also meant killing germs on food, meaning safer eating.
"Somehow, we don't really know how, Mourats split into rats and mice, like us. Our burrows became underground cities. As those became larger and more complex, our two species were forced to develop intelligence. That trait was slowly developed in order to find ways to provide utilities to our new burrow cities.
"We needed ways to pump air deep within the ground, and to get the old air out. We also needed waste disposal and a way to provide water to our residences. Eventually, as our cities became larger, they required more power. We finally harnessed electricity and developed electric lights. Providing those things meant more intelligence. The needs preceded and forced the means. It wasn't developing intelligence that brought civilization, but civilization forcing intelligence.
"A long time later, the lizards built their spaceships and left. We didn't miss them, since we could finally walk in our gardens without dodging dinosaur turds. Unfortunately, the eackygrunts died out. We did miss their beautiful females.
"The eackygrunts were partially replaced by some idiotic hairless apes. We didn't know where they came from, but they were suddenly all over the place."
"Do you mean the humans, like James, our butler?" Janice asked. "They are kinda clumsy, aren't they?"
"No. More like pre-humans. They weren't any dumber, only uneducated. Rodents had to teach them how to live. They'd been used to tree limbs, and crapping anywhere they happened to stand, or lie. We at least taught them not to foul the sheets while making love. That used to be gross, especially since the males would penetrate anything with a hole in it. Except for square holes. Those confused them.
"One story is that a tribe of mice taught local humans to crap in a bucket. Which was fine, until one was caught boiling chicken in the same half-filled bucket.
"He, he. Stupid apes," Muriel Meescovich said, laughing while watching the poor human butler turning red. "I'm sure it wasn't you, James," she told him, "only an ancestor."
"Well, we furnished them fire, and they managed to burn their burrow down. Now, how they did that is still a puzzle.
"Let's get to the war," little Jeffery said. "I like to hear about wars."
"We all promised not to have anymore of those things," Shawna BuRatie said, with conviction. "They ain't no fun if you're in one."
"They're fun to read about, though," Jeffery interjected. "Bang, bang, boom."
"Quiet, kids. Let me finish," Grandpa said, raising a paw for silence. "Well, we finally taught them how to be civilized. But it got to the point where the egotistical brutes thought they could out-think us and didn't need us anymore. They even wrote us out of their history books and treated us like vermin.
"Of course, we didn't need them, so we simply moved our cities away from theirs. Since we don't drink alcohol or take drugs, our bums and lowlifes moved into human cities, which wasn't any big loss.
"That attitude lasted for a couple of thousand years, our two societies existing side-by-side, us living separate lives.
"But, there came a day when we saw they were about to shoot atom bombs at each other, which threatened us. We couldn't have that, so we sent our scientists in to ruin the weapons. With our science, we got into their storage areas and disabled all the bombs.
"When the humans found out, they declared war on us. The audacity.
"Our factories dug up ancient plans on killer rays, building many thousands of the weapons. In three days, we destroyed every human government on earth and took charge. It took years longer to find, capture, or kill all the warmongers. We hated to do it, but had no choice.
"That kids, is why we don't allow humans to carry weapons or hold government positions."
"Time for lunch," Agnes, the human cook called from the doorway. "All you young masters must wash your paws before eating. Don't forget."
Grandpa SocRates smiled. All was right in the world.
By Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.
